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Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill

DEAR MAN

Describe · Express · Assert · Reinforce · Mindful · Appear confident · Negotiate

DEAR MAN (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate) is a way to ask for what you want or say no, so you're more likely to get the outcome you're after.

The steps

  1. Describe + Express — facts, then feelings. "When X happened, I felt Y."
  2. Assert — the ask. Direct, specific, no padding. "I'd like Z."
  3. Reinforce — what's in it for them, or what changes if they say yes.
  4. Mindful + Appear confident — stay on the ask if they redirect. Eye contact, calm voice.
  5. Negotiate — be willing to find a middle. What's the smaller version of Z?

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When it helps

When you need to ask for something or say no, clearly.

Examples

  • Describe. You tell your manager, "You've scheduled me on the last four Saturdays." Just the facts a camera could record.
  • Express. "I'm worn out, and I've missed two family events." You say how it affects you, using "I", not "you make me".
  • Assert. "I'm asking for at least two Saturdays off a month." The request is clear and specific.
  • Reinforce. "I'll be sharper during the week, and I'm glad to cover holidays." You name what's in it for them.
  • Mindful. When they bring up a mistake from last year, you say, "I hear that, and I'm asking about Saturdays." You come back to the request like a broken record.
  • Appear confident. You keep a steady voice and eye contact, and you don't trail off at the end. You can feel nervous and still sound sure.
  • Negotiate. When two Saturdays is too many, you offer one Saturday off plus an earlier finish on the others. You've thought about what you can accept.

Where people get stuck

  • Leading with feelings or blame. Start with the facts; it's easier for the other person to hear.
  • Hinting instead of asking. Say exactly what you want; people can't read minds.
  • Giving up after the first no. Repeat the request calmly, then negotiate.

When not to use it

When keeping the relationship or your self-respect matters more than getting what you want. Then lean on GIVE or FAST.

Related skills

  • GIVEWhen the relationship matters more than winning this one
  • FASTWhen you're at risk of leaving the conversation feeling smaller
  • Cope AheadWhen you can see it coming and want to enter it ready

Written by FRTC's clinical team. Reviewed by Tanner Oliver, LCSW. Skills practice supports DBT; it isn't a substitute for treatment. How to find real DBT.

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