DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST script builder

For asking for something or saying no. Decide what matters most in this conversation, fill in a few lines, and get a script to practice before you say it.

Nothing you type leaves this device. There's no account, and nothing is saved anywhere but this browser.

1. What matters most this time?

Tap all three in order of importance. Most hard conversations involve all three; the order changes how you'll handle it.

2. How firmly? (optional)

How strongly do you want to ask, or say no?

3. Fill in what you can

Describe

Just the facts of the situation, as a camera would record them. No blame.

Express

How it affects you. Use "I feel", not "you make me".

Assert

Exactly what you want, or a clear no. One request.

Reinforce

What's in it for them if they say yes.

Validate (GIVE)

What you can acknowledge about their side.

Negotiate

What you could accept instead, if the answer is no.

Stick to your values (FAST)

What you won't give up, for your own self-respect. This part is for you, not for the script.

What this tool does

DBT's interpersonal effectiveness skills come in three parts. DEAR MAN helps you get what you're asking for, GIVE helps you keep the relationship, and FAST helps you keep your self-respect. Ranking the three first tells you which to lean on: the builder orders your script and reminders to match.

Sample output

Ranked: 1. keeping the relationship, 2. getting what I'm asking for, 3. self-respect.

"I know Saturdays are hard to staff. The last four schedules have had me working every Saturday. I'm worn out, and I've missed two family events. I'm asking for at least two Saturdays off a month. I'll be sharper during the week, and I'm glad to cover holidays." If the answer is no: "Could we do one Saturday off a month, and an earlier finish on the others?"

Learn each skill: DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST.

Questions

What is a DEAR MAN worksheet?

A DEAR MAN worksheet walks you through the DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill — Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate — and turns it into a script you can say. This one adds GIVE and FAST, so the script also fits how much the relationship and your self-respect matter.

What are DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST for?

DEAR MAN is for getting what you ask for, GIVE is for keeping the relationship, and FAST is for keeping your self-respect. Most hard conversations involve all three, in a different order of importance each time. Ranking them first tells you which to lean on.

Is this builder free and private?

Yes. There is no account and nothing is sent anywhere. Your draft is kept only in this browser so you can come back to it, and the Clear button removes it.

What if they say no?

DEAR MAN improves your odds; it doesn't guarantee an outcome. That's what Negotiate is for: decide in advance what you could accept instead. In DBT, a skill used well that still gets a no is still a skill used well.

Skills tools work best alongside a DBT therapist. How to find real DBT.

Practicing these with a DBT therapist makes them stick. Send us a message.