Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill
Self-Validation
Self-Validation is treating your own feelings, thoughts and actions the way you'd validate someone else's: noticing them, naming them without judgment, and seeing what makes sense about them.
The steps
- Notice what you're feeling and name it, without judging it.
- Ask what makes sense about it: your history, your body right now, or what just happened.
- Say it to yourself: "Of course I feel this, given ___."
- Check the facts on the parts that might not fit, and own what doesn't.
- Remember that feeling it doesn't mean you have to act on it.
In practice
When you're judging yourself for having the feelings you're having.
An example
After snapping at a coworker, someone starts in on "I'm such a mess." They stop and tell themselves, "I was exhausted and had been interrupted all morning; of course I was irritable." Then they apologize to the coworker without the extra shame.
Where people get stuck
- Confusing it with excusing. "It makes sense I was angry" doesn't mean the way you acted was okay.
- Skipping the facts. Self-validation fits the facts; it isn't telling yourself every reaction is right.
- Waiting for someone else to validate you first. You can do this on your own.
When not to use it
When a reaction doesn't fit the facts at all. Check the facts first, then validate what does make sense.