Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill
Validation
Validation is letting someone know their feelings, thoughts or actions make sense given their history or their situation. It isn't agreeing, approving or giving in.
The steps
- Pay attention. Look at them. Phone away.
- Reflect accurately what you heard.
- Read between the lines — what aren't they saying?
- Validate based on history: "Given what you've been through, this fits."
- Validate based on present + treat as equal: "Given what's happening, it makes sense — you're not fragile, you're responding."
When it helps
When you want to go deeper than basic acknowledgment.
An example
A teen says they're the only one not allowed at a party. Their parent puts down the phone and says, "You're worried about being left out, and with your friends all going, that makes sense," before explaining the rule. The teen is still disappointed but stops escalating.
Where people get stuck
- Validating what isn't valid. You validate what makes sense, not facts that aren't true or behavior that's harmful.
- Adding "but" right after. "That makes sense, but..." cancels the validation.
- Jumping to fix it. Let the person feel understood before you offer solutions.
What it isn't
Validation doesn't mean agreeing with something you think is wrong, or giving up a limit you've set. You can validate the feeling and still hold the limit.
Related skills
- Read the full explainer on our blog →
- DBT glossary →
- How DBT skills groups teach Interpersonal Effectiveness →
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