Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill
Validation
Validation is communicating that someone's feelings, thoughts or actions make sense, given their history, what their body is going through, or what's happening right now. It isn't agreeing, approving or giving in. In DBT, you validate what's valid, not everything.
The steps
- Pay attention. Phone away, eyes up, interested.
- Reflect back what you heard, and check you got it right.
- Read minds. Name what they haven't said, as a guess: "I'm guessing that felt..."
- Understand. Show it makes sense given their past, or what their body is going through right now.
- Acknowledge the valid. Show it fits what's happening now: "Anyone would feel that." Help if you can.
- Show equality (radical genuineness). Treat them as a capable equal, not fragile. Be real with them.
In practice
When you want to go deeper than basic acknowledgment.
An example
A teen says they're the only one not allowed at a party. Their parent puts down the phone and says, "You're worried about being left out, and with your friends all going, that makes sense," before explaining the rule. The teen is still disappointed but stops escalating.
Where people get stuck
- Validating what isn't valid. You validate what makes sense, not facts that aren't true or behavior that's harmful.
- Adding "but" right after. "That makes sense, but..." cancels the validation.
- Jumping to fix it. Let the person feel understood before you offer solutions.
What it isn't
Validation doesn't mean agreeing with something you think is wrong, or giving up a limit you've set. You can validate the feeling and still hold the limit.
Related skills
Go deeper
- Read the full explainer on our blog →
- DBT glossary →
- How DBT skills groups teach Interpersonal Effectiveness →
- How to find real DBT →
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