Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill
Recovering from Invalidation
Recovering from Invalidation is what to do when someone dismisses or misreads you: check whether any of it is accurate, own that part, and validate the rest yourself. Being invalidated doesn't mean your response was invalid.
The steps
- Check the facts without getting defensive. Is any of what they said accurate?
- If it is, own that part and work on it. Admit it still stings, even if they're right.
- If your response makes sense, tell yourself so, and drop the self-judgment.
- Remind yourself it's rarely a catastrophe, and be kind to yourself.
- Talk it through with someone supportive. If it's been repeated or traumatic, give yourself room to grieve it.
In practice
When you're starting to wonder if you imagined it.
An example
A parent tells their adult child they're "too sensitive" after a disagreement. The adult child checks whether any part is fair, decides they did raise their voice and owns that, and reminds themselves the hurt itself made sense.
Where people get stuck
- Assuming all invalidation is wrong. Sometimes part of it is accurate; check the facts.
- Needing the other person to change their mind. You can recover without their agreement.
- Judging yourself for being hurt. Being dismissed hurts, and that makes sense too.
When not to use it
When the invalidation is part of an abusive pattern, the priority is safety and support, not working through it alone.