Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill
Evaluating Options
Evaluating Options (sometimes called the Dime Game) is a quick way to decide how intensely to ask for something or say no, by weighing factors like the other person's ability, your priorities, your rights, the relationship and the timing.
The steps
- Decide which you're doing: asking for something, or saying no to something.
- Answer ten questions: Can they (or can I) do this? How important is it? Does it fit my self-respect? Is it my right? Do I have the authority? Does it fit the relationship? Does it serve my long-term goals? Is there fair give-and-take? Have I done my homework? Is the timing right?
- Count the answers that favor asking (or saying no). This is sometimes called the Dime Game.
- Match your intensity to the count: more yeses, ask firmly or hold a firm no. Fewer, ask lightly, negotiate, or let it go for now. It's a guide, not a rule. Check the result with wise mind.
In practice
When you're unsure how hard to push for a request, or how firmly to say no.
An example
Someone wants to ask their boss for a Friday off. The boss can approve it, it matters a lot to them, and they've covered shifts for others. But it's the busiest week of the month, and they haven't checked the schedule. The count lands in the middle, so they ask clearly and go in ready to negotiate.
Where people get stuck
- Treating the count as a rule. It's a guide to how firm to be; check the result against wise mind.
- Skipping the homework question. Not knowing the facts, or exactly what you want, is the most common reason a request goes sideways.
- Scoring it in emotion mind. Anger pushes every answer toward "ask hard"; guilt pushes them toward "let it go."
When not to use it
When your safety or a clear right is at stake. You don't need to weigh whether to refuse something harmful or illegal: say no firmly.