Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill
Clarifying Priorities
Clarifying priorities means deciding, before a hard conversation, what matters most: getting the result you want, keeping the relationship, or keeping your self-respect.
The steps
- Objective: what specific result do you want? A yes, a no that sticks, being taken seriously.
- Relationship: how do you want the other person to feel about you afterward?
- Self-respect: how do you want to feel about yourself when it's over?
- Rank the three for this situation. Which matters most if you can't have all of them? You'll usually want all three. The ranking decides what you'd give up if they pull against each other.
- Lead with the skill that fits your top priority: DEAR MAN for the objective, GIVE for the relationship, FAST for self-respect.
In practice
Before a hard conversation, when you're not sure what matters most.
An example
Someone wants to ask a roommate to pay back $200. The objective is the money by Friday; the relationship goal is staying friends; the self-respect goal is not apologizing for asking. They decide the friendship matters most this time, so they lead with GIVE and count a payment plan as a win.
Where people get stuck
- Expecting all three at full strength every time. When they pull against each other, something has to give, and ranking decides what.
- Deciding halfway through the conversation. Rank your priorities before you walk in, while you're calm.
- Letting one priority win by default. If the relationship always comes first, self-respect wears down; if the objective always wins, relationships do.
When not to use it
When you're not safe with the person. Clarifying priorities is for everyday requests and conflicts, not for negotiating with someone who is hurting you.