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DEAR MAN Worksheet & Script Builder

Knowing what DEAR MAN stands for is the easy part. Saying it out loud, to a real person, while your heart is going — that's the hard part. Fill in four boxes and this builds the script for you. Free, nothing saved, nothing sent.

Build Your Script

Write it while you're calm. Read it before you walk in.

Just the facts. No interpretation, no blame — something a camera could have recorded.

Say how it landed for you. Use "I feel", not "you make me".

Ask for exactly what you want, or say no clearly. People cannot read minds.

Name what's in it for them — the genuine upside of saying yes.

Then: the MAN Half

DEAR gets the words right. MAN gets the delivery right — and delivery is usually what decides how it lands.

M

Mindful

Stay on the one ask. If they change the subject, calmly say it again — the "broken record".

A

Appear confident

Steady voice, eye contact, no apologising for having a request. Confidence is a delivery choice, not a feeling you wait for.

N

Negotiate

Know what you can give. Offer an alternative so there is a way to yes.

A Worked DEAR MAN Example

Describe. "The last three times we made plans, they were cancelled the day of."

Express. "I've been feeling let down, and a little unimportant."

Assert. "I'd like us to keep this Saturday — and if it won't work, I'd like to know by Thursday."

Reinforce. "If I know earlier I can make other plans, and I won't turn up annoyed when we do meet."

Three things make that work: there's no blame in the Describe, there's exactly one ask in the Assert, and the Reinforce names a benefit the other person actually cares about. Most DEAR MANs fail because they contain four asks, or because the Reinforce is a threat wearing a nice jumper.

For the full explanation of the skill — where it comes from, when to use it, and when a different skill fits better — read DEAR MAN (DBT Skill).

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