Distress Tolerance · DBT skill
Willingness
Willingness is doing what the situation needs, fully and without dragging your feet; its opposite, willfulness, is refusing the moment as it is: trying to control or fix everything, or refusing to do what's needed.
The steps
- Notice your hands. Are they fists? Tight? Held away?
- Open them. Palms up if it fits. Let them rest.
- Notice: this small body change is willingness in physical form.
- From open hands, ask what willingness would look like in action. Take one small step.
When it helps
When refusal is held as much in your body as in your thoughts.
An example
A teen asked to help clean up after a family dinner feels the urge to sulk and do it badly. They notice the willfulness, unclench their hands, and do the dishes properly, which ends the standoff in ten minutes instead of an hour.
Where people get stuck
- Mistaking willingness for giving in. It means doing what works, which can include saying no.
- Fighting willfulness with more willfulness. Notice it, name it, and try a willing posture instead of arguing with yourself.
- Waiting to feel willing. Act willingly first; the feeling often follows.
When not to use it
Willingness never means going along with something harmful or against your values.
If you're thinking about suicide or are in crisis, call or text 988 any time, or go to your nearest emergency room.
Related skills
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