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Mindfulness · DBT skill

Effectively

Effectively is doing what works in the situation you're actually in, with your real goals in mind, instead of what feels right or fair in the moment.

The steps

  1. Identify the small move that's available, not the big right one that isn't.
  2. Don't wait for ideal conditions. Don't wait for an apology. Don't wait at all.
  3. Take the small move that gets you 5% closer.
  4. Repeat. Effective is a sequence, not a single perfect step.

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When it helps

When the perfect response is also the unworkable one.

An example

A parking ticket feels unfair, and the urge is to write an angry email to the city. The goal is to keep the cost down, so the person pays it before the late fee kicks in and lets the argument go.

Where people get stuck

  • Choosing being right over being effective. Ask what you want out of this, not who's right.
  • Waiting for the situation to be how it should be. Act on the situation as it is.
  • Mistaking easy for effective. Effective means working toward your goals, not doing whatever is easiest.

What it isn't

It isn't giving in. Sometimes the effective move is to hold firm.

Related skills

  • Wise MindWhen emotion or logic alone is steering wrong
  • DEAR MANWhen you need to ask for something or say no, clearly
  • Pros and ConsWhen you're trying to decide whether to act on an impulse

Written by FRTC's clinical team. Reviewed by Tanner Oliver, LCSW. Skills practice supports DBT; it isn't a substitute for treatment. How to find real DBT.

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