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Interpersonal Effectiveness · DBT skill

Dialectics / Kernel of Truth

Dialectics is holding two things that seem opposite as both true, and looking for a way forward that honors both instead of picking a side.

The steps

  1. Notice when you say "I love them BUT they hurt me."
  2. Replace BUT with AND: "I love them AND they hurt me."
  3. Both stay true at the same time. Neither cancels the other.
  4. From AND, you can hold complexity without having to pick a side.

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When it helps

When BUT keeps canceling out half the picture.

An example

Someone thinks, "I love my sister, but she drives me crazy," and feels stuck. They change it to "I love my sister, and she drives me crazy," and start planning shorter visits that work for both of them.

Where people get stuck

  • Using "and" to avoid deciding. Both can be true, and you still choose what to do.
  • Hunting for the one right answer. There's usually more than one valid way to see a situation.
  • Treating it as wordplay. The point is to look for what's true on each side.

What it isn't

Dialectics doesn't mean every view is equally true. Facts are still facts.

Related skills

  • Walking the Middle PathWhen you feel like you have to choose all-or-nothing in a relationship
  • Wise MindWhen emotion or logic alone is steering wrong
  • ValidationWhen you want to go deeper than basic acknowledgment

Written by FRTC's clinical team. Reviewed by Tanner Oliver, LCSW. Skills practice supports DBT; it isn't a substitute for treatment. How to find real DBT.

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