Validation builder for parents
When your teen is upset and everything you say seems to make it worse. Describe what happened, and get words that show them their feelings make sense.
Nothing you type leaves this device. There's no account, and nothing is saved anywhere but this browser.
What to say
Phrases to avoid
- "Calm down." It tells them the feeling is the problem, which usually turns it up.
- "You’re overreacting." Even when the reaction is bigger than the situation, the feeling is real.
- "It’s not a big deal." It's a big deal to them right now.
- "At least…" Silver linings land as “your feelings don't count.”
- "I know exactly how you feel." They'll hear it as being about you. Ask instead.
- "…but…" A "but" erases whatever came before it. Use "and".
- Jumping straight to advice Validate first. Problem solve once they're calmer, and ask if they want help.
What this tool does
Validation tells your teen that their feelings make sense. It isn't agreeing, approving, or giving in, and it often calms things faster than reasoning does. You describe what happened and what your teen might be feeling, pick one of DBT's six levels of validation, and the builder gives you words to say, plus the phrases that tend to backfire.
Sample output
Level 5, makes sense for anyone: "Of course you're crushed. Most people would be, if they didn't get picked for the varsity team. And you've trained for this every day since summer."
Holding the limit: "And we don't slam doors in this house."
Learn the skill: Validation. For your teen: Teen DBT at FRTC, which includes a skills group parents attend too.
Questions
What does validation mean in DBT?
Validation means communicating that your teen's feelings, thoughts or actions make sense, given the situation or what they've been through. It isn't agreeing with them, approving of what they did, or giving in. You can validate the feeling and still hold a limit.
What are the six levels of validation?
DBT describes six levels: paying attention, reflecting back what you heard, naming what's unspoken, showing it makes sense given their history, showing it makes sense for anyone in that situation, and being real with them, treating them as capable rather than fragile.
What if my teen did something wrong?
Validate the valid, not the invalid. The anger can make sense even when slamming the door didn’t. Validate the feeling first, then hold the limit with "and", not "but".
Is this tool private?
Yes. There is no account and nothing is sent anywhere. Your draft stays in this browser only, and the Clear button removes it.
Skills tools work best alongside a DBT therapist. How to find real DBT.
Validation is one of the main skills parents practice in Child DBT (DBT-C). Learn about Child DBT.