Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) presents certain challenges. Sometimes, your relationship can feel like a rollercoaster — exhilarating one moment and terrifying the next. If you’re struggling with this dynamic, these tips may be helpful.
Those with BPD sometimes struggle through a common pattern: periods of idealization (“you are so wonderful and I love you so much”) and devaluation (“I hate you and you are the absolute worst”). People with BPD may feel both of these things in the same day, or even during the same conversation. This is because people with BPD struggle with emotion regulation: they feel emotions very intensely, have difficulty modulating their emotional responses, and are susceptible to becoming overwhelmed. The result is that their emotions sometimes take the driver’s seat, and they might lash out at their loved ones in a desperate attempt to feel better.
Understanding this pattern through the lens of the biosocial model — rather than taking it personally — is the foundation for everything that follows. Your partner isn’t choosing to be difficult. They’re experiencing emotional pain at an intensity that most people can’t imagine, and their behavior, however hurtful, is an attempt to manage that pain with the tools they currently have.
Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help weather the storms in your relationship. Here are five ways to increase stability in your relationship with your partner if they have been diagnosed with BPD or have traits of BPD:
1: Practice Mindfulness of your own experience, and in your relationship.
Mindfulness, put simply, is paying attention to the moment in a nonjudgmental way. Research shows that mindfulness has many benefits such as stress reduction and increased psychological well-being. Mindfulness applied to your relationship may mean being fully attentive to your partner and 100% engaged while you are interacting. While distractions, such as a long to-do list or memories of a stressful work day may abound, your relationship satisfaction will likely increase as you focus exclusively on your partner’s words or the activity you are doing together. Regular mindfulness practice may also help enhance feelings of trust and intimacy in your relationship as you connect on a deeper level. Furthermore, try a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill of “mindfulness of others,” which involves not being over-focused on the self and observing/attending to other people for more balanced relationships. Some ways to practice mindfulness of others include noticing judgmental thoughts about your partner and letting them go, not multitasking during conversations, not clinging to always being right, and going with the flow in your relationship.
Mindfulness also helps you recognize when your own emotions are escalating — which is critical for breaking destructive interaction patterns. When you notice your heart rate increasing, your jaw clenching, or your thoughts becoming rigid (“They always do this”), you have a brief window to pause and choose a different response. Without mindfulness, you miss that window and react on autopilot, which usually means reacting in whatever way your nervous system defaulted to as a child — fighting, freezing, or fleeing. With practice, that pause between stimulus and response gets longer, and the quality of your responses improves dramatically.
2: Set Aside Daily Time for each other, and give each person a chance to speak.
While it may feel unnatural in the beginning, designate 30 minutes to an hour scheduled at the same time each day. Take turns speaking in three-minute increments, using a stopwatch to track time. If 30 minutes feels too long, start with 12 minutes using the 3-minute timer method. This high level of structure will provide opportunities for each partner to express themselves and feel heard without interruption, and also bring an increased sense of connection. Keep in mind that your partner may use this time to vent frustrations; however, the increased structure may also be useful in limiting the duration of potentially unpleasant interactions.
3: Improve Your Communication Skills (yes, your communication skills!)
Misunderstandings, resentment, and anger escalate in the presence of indirect or passive-aggressive communication. Acting based on assumptions of your partner’s wants or needs may lead to getting it repeatedly wrong and may increase frustration. Furthermore, our wants and needs are constantly evolving and what may have been applicable one moment may no longer be relevant in the next.
Since we can’t actually read another person’s mind, try a DBT skill such as DEAR MAN to express what you want in a direct, concise manner and increase the chance of having your objective met. DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate — it gives you a step-by-step framework for bringing up difficult topics without triggering defensiveness in your partner.
Equally important is learning to validate your partner’s experience before trying to solve problems. Validation — communicating that your partner’s emotions make sense, even when you disagree with their interpretation — is one of the most powerful de-escalation tools available. When your partner feels validated, their emotional intensity decreases, and productive conversation becomes possible. When they feel invalidated, intensity escalates, and both of you end up further from resolution.
4: Write Down Thoughts and feelings to share with your partner when you are apart.
Individuals diagnosed with BPD often fear abandonment by their partners and seek reassurance frequently. Assisting your partner in checking the facts (an emotion regulation skill) may help alleviate your partner’s fear of abandonment. For example, Cara starts to worry that John hates her because he went out with his buddies instead of watching T.V. with her at home. By writing down these thoughts and feelings, Cara may share them with John later and realize that his reasons for going out were tied to an obligation to his buddies rather than any hatred directed towards her. It is important to note that reassurance-seeking decreases anxiety in the short-term but tends to increase it in the long-term — because the relief is temporary and the next worry comes faster. Your partner’s DBT therapist can help them learn to surf urges to seek reassurance and rely on their own skills so they eventually develop the ability to independently manage those impulses. Your role is to be supportive without becoming the sole source of emotional regulation for your partner.
5: Join a DBT Friends and Family Group
DBT Friends and Family Classes offer DBT skills training for the friends and family of those with BPD. Sometimes, your loved one might be in DBT (and DBT is the best treatment for BPD). Other times, they may refuse treatment for themselves.
DBT is an evidence-based therapy designed to treat symptoms of BPD and the skills are highly applicable for those with BPD and their loved ones. The skills training focuses on the four modules of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness to help improve the quality of your daily life and relationships. Learning these skills alongside others who share your experience — partners, parents, siblings, and friends of people with BPD — provides both practical tools and the invaluable reassurance that you are not alone in what you’re going through. Many family members report that learning DBT skills transforms not just their relationship with the person who has BPD, but their own emotional resilience and well-being.
The Bigger Picture: Your Relationship Can Improve
If your relationship feels particularly unstable right now, you may be weary of the ups and downs and feel like giving up. That exhaustion is valid and understandable. However, moving towards greater relational stability is possible, and it’s important to recognize that BPD symptoms tend to improve over time — especially with effective treatment. The most dramatic symptoms typically improve first, and the relational patterns, while they take longer, also shift as skills are learned and practiced.
Many partners of people with BPD report that the relationship improves significantly once their loved one enters comprehensive DBT. The skills your partner learns — distress tolerance, emotion regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness — directly address the patterns that cause the most relational friction. And when you learn those same skills through a friends and family program, the improvement accelerates because both of you are working with the same tools and the same language.
Support is available for you — whether through couples counseling, individual therapy, or our Friends and Family DBT program. Please contact us today for a free consultation for yourself or your loved one.
Building stronger interpersonal skills is a core part of DBT. Our DBT Skills Class for Interpersonal Effectiveness teaches practical communication and relationship skills for both individuals and their loved ones.
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